Why are you a Buddhist?

Yeah...

So I get this question a lot.

I didn't really choose Buddhism. I don't know why people choose Buddhism because Buddhism chose me.

When I was seventeen years old, after reading part of a book that only tangentially mentioned Buddhism, I meditated for the first time. I'm not even sure that the meditation 'technique' mentioned in the book was Buddhist per se. Heck, it was more of a description of what one meditator felt she was doing. Thinking back, it reminds me of shikantaza or what Adyashanti advocates.

A little background... I used to hang out in this about-to-be-condemned house that my friend's older brother Jason lived in. A bunch of the kids in the area hung out there and drank Keystone, SoCo, Kessler's, and Old Style. Sometimes we smoked pot.

Jason had borrowed this book from the library, and I, hanging out not drunk, not stoned, had picked it up and started reading it. This book had some sort of something to do with things 'Beyond the Occult' - OOB experiences, remembered reincarnation, the differences between Hindu and Buddhist meditation as relates to startle-ability (is that a word?) - that sort of thing. For reasons I don't understand and with such scanty understanding of what meditation was, I was inspired to try it. I sat in an old couch in a room off to the side during midday when the house was still relatively quiet and basically just did what the woman in the book described.

On the third try, I discovered some things that were quite surprising.

I couldn't find a 'me'. I found all sorts of references to an 'I' or a 'me', but it was like every story I had about 'me' had a footnote that said 'see this other thought/story', and then that reference led to some other story or reference which then referenced something else altogether...and on and on into infinity. This sounds like it's a disturbing revelation, but it's really not. I simply could not find a 'me'. In the end, I had no idea who or what the heck these stories were talking about. There was just this is-ness happening in each moment. Over and over and over.

At the same time, I also realized that I never experienced objects. There were only sensations, and even those fled from direct observation to the point that I couldn't even say they were anything. Everything I thought was real was ... well, real, but not what I thought it was.

There was more, but none of it as truly astounding as these two things. I felt profoundly stupid, but ecstatic at the same time. Why had I not noticed this before?? Why doesn't everyone notice? It's right fucking in front of us all the time.

Of course, because of the remoteness of where I grew up, it took two more years before I really learned about Zen, and I still struggled in the dark with my psychological issues. A minute with the lights on does not dispel all darkness, but it does dispel all doubts. It's been years since then; years when sometimes the lights came on at nearly full-strength, times when they were dim, and times when I couldn't see a damned thing.

Nonetheless, I have no doubts about the fundamental truth of Buddhism.

A flurry of posts!

Maybe it's just the newness of Blogger, but here goes another one:

I texted my ex-girlfriend the other day and the conversation turned to why two people so horribly mismatched as she and I ended up together.  First, she blamed it on my impulsiveness.  When pressed, she also said she was bored and unhappy and hence made bad decisions.  I didn't bother to point out to her that she laid out a scenario that blamed our misguided union on an intrinsic flaw on my part and a situational reality on hers.  I didn't take psychology, but I'm pretty sure that's the fundamental attribution error in action.

I hit the gym today for the first time in three and a half weeks. Goddamn, it feels good to be back!  I also sat zazen for the first time in a very long while.  Did I mention, "Goddamn, it feels good to be back!"?

You're not supposed to talk about any supposed 'benefits' to zazen - it's nearly heretical to speak of such a thing in a lot of circles, and there are VERY good reasons for this if one can genuinely get to that point. On the most important hand, yeah, zazen REALLY is useless and Zen in general will not provide any of the things that it seems people are looking for from it.  That said, on a relative level, it seems to provide a valuable counterpoint to heavy weightlifting.  The thing I most often forget though, is that zazen provides a tiny bit of relief from the tyranny of the mind.  I don't mean that the mind doesn't keep running - oh dear, it surely does - but it's almost like the steering wheel is disengaged from the car.  The mind turns and turns, but it doesn't drive anything.  During zazen (and maybe in extremely dangerous situations) is the only time I've ever experienced this.  It's valuable to realize that the mind doesn't have to drive.  The universe doesn't need you to drive...

Float away...

I never know what to make of life when there is no dominant voice to be found anywhere. I'd make my own voice, but you know - there is so much INPUT from radically divergent forces. I can't ally, because all my would-be allies disagree. I used to have such a firm hand on what I believed, but that way lies madness and the inherent logical inconsistencies that come with any such hewing to this or that AS SUCH, AS THEY ARE, FROM THEIR OWN SIDES. Sheer madness.

I never really knew this before, but I'm lost without the wilderness - I think a lot of people realize that there's a trade-off when they go to the city, but I feel absolutely LOST. I need natural limits to my stimulation or I'll energetically spend myself into exhaustion and flatness. It's not a matter of loneliness - I've had more social engagement here than I've ever had so instantly in any place I've travelled - it's a bit odd, really. People leave me cold, though - fretting about inevitable boy-girl drama, 'oh-shit-the-world-is-ending' political rants, and money troubles, of which I have enough and with which I'm endlessly preoccupied lately...and yet... I just can't get that INVOLVED lately. It's not that I think I'm above it, it's like I lack the necessary organs for it these days. Maybe it's just lack of exercise due to being sick all these long weeks. I seem to remember not always being so greyed-out.

The first post...

I never really know how to start these things, so I figured it'd be best to get the first post out of the way right off the bat.

I'm still discovering what the purpose of this blog is - I've been blogging on myspace for a few years now and I guess that maybe now is a good time to pull my thoughts off that dying elephant.  Come to think of it, I guess THAT is the purpose of this blog.

As for me, I'm a Zen Buddhist, a weightlifter, a traveling RN (if the economy doesn't kill that gig), and a motorcycle enthusiast among a bunch of other things.

See ya in the days to come...