Sitting more...

And sitting for longer, ignoring the verdicts that my mind tries to make up for the sessions. This is all as it should be. I get about 3 minutes of less-blinkered, less figet-ey, less 'gotta-move' oriented story talk than I have had in a long time. I still miss days, but it seems I miss no more days than when I was aiming at ten minutes of meditation anyway, and twenty minutes feels more authentically sincere. I give up the 'I get to (get up, get a beer, listen to music) etc.' feeling after the first ten minutes are killed in small circles of 'back to the breath, back to what 'this' is.'

I know I must be stressed because I'm ignoring all my plans. My diet and exercise plan is on a shelf for about a few more days now, my budget needs 'catch-up' time soon before it becomes merely what 'used to be a budget'. I'm drinking strong beer and smoking cigarettes. I'm endlessly playing mindless computer games when I know I have to pack. When I know I have to set up my broadband internet disconnect and box and ship some things that I think won't make it in the back of my car for the trip home.

From the outside I can tell something is wrong..and sitting with it doesn't acquaint me with it, but I know that when I sit, I'm sitting with it.

Chet